Not My Serah
by lilyun
Summary: Some fragment of the Goddess survived. Too weak to be found. Strong enough to ensure the line of seeresses continued. Another Serah walks beside Noel. But Noel can't forget. She's not his Serah. One-shot.


Waves lapped against the shore of Valhalla, a moving gray-green reflection of the un-changing sky overhead. Noel's elbows rested against his drawn-up knees, his gaze on the gray horizon. Hope was making another speech today. _Her_ arrival had revitalized him. Noel felt nothing.

"Why don't you talk to me?"

Noel stiffened as a figure sank down into the sand beside him. He should have expected it. She followed him everywhere. It wasn't her fault. She was drawn to wherever he was, no matter how hard either one of them tried to avoid it. No warmth accompanied her nearness. He felt nothing. Once his heart had quickened without understanding why. Once everything had seemed just a little bit brighter simply because she was near. Beside him now was a shell. A shell that was an exact replica, from each individual pink-red strand of hair on her head to the engagement necklace she still wore around her neck even though she had never met the man who gave it to her. A shell. Housing a different soul. Alike but not the same. Never the same.

"You're not her. Leave me alone."

"I never said I was."

"Noel."

She touched his arm and he flinched.

"It'd be easier for everyone…especially you…if you accepted that I'm not her."

"I accepted it. Don't ask me to be happy about it."

"Why can't you be happy about it? My existence means some part of the Goddess is still alive. That you didn't kill her."

"Your existence makes me a Guardian. And I don't want to be. Not anymore."

He fought the impulse to turn his back on her. She'd just move so he could see her. If he tried hard enough, she was just barely visible in his peripheral vision. She was wearing the outfit that was a cross between normal and a school-girl's. It was one of the few visible distinctions…between _his _Serah…and the copy that sat beside him. She crossed her arms and huffed with indignation. Similar enough that even someone who had known her well wouldn't have noticed anything different about it and yet the minute differences continued to jar him.

"You still want to be a Guardian. Just not _my_ Guardian."

"You're not her."

"Aren't I enough like her that it shouldn't matter?"

"It matters to me."

She huffed a second time and rose, taking only a few steps away from him before she stopped. Staring out at the regularly lapping waves, she rested one hand against her head while the other clasped her necklace. Noel made the mistake of letting himself look at her. As always, the first instant, he allowed himself to wish, to think, to imagine it really was Serah standing just a few feet away from him. And then she did something…tucked her hair behind her ears with the wrong hand, plucked at the edge of her skirt, or tilted her head to the opposite side and the illusion shattered. Even though he knew it was pointless, that he was the source of his own misery, he couldn't stop wanting her to be Serah. He couldn't stop. And so he hated the girl who was Serah but not Serah. Hated her even as he was irresistibly drawn to her.

"I don't have enough of her memories to try and be her for you."

Noel almost swore. It wasn't the first time she had seemed to know exactly what he was thinking.

"I wouldn't want you to even if you could," he said. A smile played at her lips, her fingers toying with her necklace.

"You're not like her memories of you."

Noel couldn't help but smile.

"No, I suppose I'm not." The smile felt foreign on his lips, as if it was something they had forgotten how to do, but it didn't fade. He didn't doubt he wasn't like the Noel Serah would remember. That Noel had known what happiness and kindness were. And hope. This Noel had forgotten.

"I wonder if Caius was as nasty to his reincarnations of Yeul as you are to me."

His smile vanished and his gaze dropped to the sand between his feet. Nasty? He supposed he was being nasty. The word was a Serah word…and he almost smiled a second time before the pang of pain stopped him.

"You told him Yeul came back each time because she wanted to be with him again."

He grunted with acknowledgment.

"You don't believe it. Not about me."

"I understand Caius better now. Why it slowly drove him mad…watching the Yuel who loved to sing…the Yuel who loved flowers…all die in his arms. One Serah died in my arms. That was enough."

He heard her breath catch but she didn't turn to face him.

"She knew her fate. She accepted it. She meant to tell you only…"

"Don't."

For the third time she huffed and her fingers fell from the necklace as she turned to face him. Gaze still riveted on the sand, Noel watched through his lashes as she crossed the distance between them and plopped down on her knees in front of him. Before he could stop her, she placed both hands on his shoulders and his head jerked upright.

"How badly do you want _your_ Serah back?"

Her eyes searched his, still appealingly wide, still the same shade of blue and yet the light shining within them was not the same. It lacked…affection…and recognition. He didn't expect affection from her—he'd been an ass to her from the moment she arrived. All because she wasn't the Serah he wanted to see. It was the lack of recognition that still pained him. She knew him as Noel, could have identified him to any stranger who passed, but he wasn't _Noel_ to her. There was no recollection, no acknowledgement of resolving paradoxes, of battling monsters, of conversations. She knew him only as the guy who couldn't stop being a jerk to her…for something that wasn't her fault.

"More than anything," he answered. "But it isn't possible. Your existence proves it."

She shook her head and something inside him flickered, an emotion long forgotten, banished to the depths of his soul. He didn't dare snatch at it.

"There is a way. It won't be easy. Are you sure you want to try?"

The emotion flickered again, sputtering with life as Noel tried to smother it.

"What do I have to do?"

"There is a place. Deep within Valhalla. Where the Goddess stored the souls of the seeresses. The soul of every Yeul is there…the one who liked to sing…the one who loved flowers…_your_ Yeul. _Your_ Serah. One day my soul will be there as well."

Noel nodded.

"You can only take one soul with you. Just one. That soul must agree to come back with you. If you try to take it against its will, you will be trapped there. Forever. Do you still want to try?"

"I want her back."  
Serah-not-Serah chewed her lip in almost the same way as his Serah, her grip tightening on his shoulders.

"Noel. Have you even considered that she might not want to come back?"

He yanked her hands from his shoulders but she remained where she was, her eyes wide and fixed on him.

"I would hate for you to go through everything you'll have to go through to even reach the souls only to find out she doesn't want to come back with you. She accepted her death, Noel. You should, too."

"Why tell me there was a chance to save her if you didn't think I should?"

An emotion flickered in her eyes, an emotion that looked disturbingly like hope before it vanished. Serah-not-Serah shrugged.

"I had to. I saw…you…in the room of the souls."

"You had a vision? And you saw me…with the souls?"

Just barely he stopped himself from grasping her arm. He didn't dare touch her of his own volition. Serah-not-Serah nodded, misery in her eyes.

"Did she say yes?"

"I don't know," she whispered, dropping his gaze and staring down at the sand. Noel clenched handfuls of sand, letting the mashed grains slip from his fingers before repeating the process.

"Couldn't I be Serah for you, Noel?"

She still wasn't looking at him and Noel let another handful of sand slip from his fingers, not certain he could speak even if he had any idea what to say.

"Not _your_ Serah, but another Serah. A Serah who knew you first. A Serah who wouldn't go running back to her fiancé even after you saved her life. A Serah who wants to live while you're living. Let me be Serah for you, Noel. Please."

He couldn't look at her. He wasn't certain he was still breathing. The sand slipped through his clenched fingers but he didn't feel it. Be Serah for him. He could see it happening. More easily than he liked. He'd resist at first, naturally. But eventually she would win him over. All it would take was another moment like this one. A moment where she acted completely opposite from _his_ Serah…only the opposite wouldn't jar him. Because it would be something he wanted from _his _Serah and knew he would never have.

She would go back to Snow. He knew it. He didn't care.

"I'm sorry….Serah." His tongue tripped over the name, as if it had forgotten how to say it. Serah-not-Serah inhaled sharply and looked up at him, tears glimmering in her eyes. Noel forced himself to meet her gaze, a sad smile forming on his lips as he continued,

"It doesn't mean anything if she…you…choose me without knowing what the alternative is. I'd rather have a Serah who always chooses Snow than one who chooses me because she doesn't know any different. You wear his necklace." He touched the hated piece of jewelry with one finger, his eyes narrowing. "But you don't know why. You're drawn to me. Because I'm your Guardian. And I've been…nasty to you…for something that isn't your fault. It hurts you. But you don't understand why. I have to try to get her back. Even if she doesn't want to come back. I have to try."

She searched his gaze a moment longer, a lone tear streaking down her cheek before she nodded and turned away from him. Her shoulders shook as she suppressed a sob and Noel ran a hand through his hair. Stepping behind her, he raised his hands as if to touch her and then thought better of it.

"Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy."  
Serah-not-Serah sniffed, but said nothing, her shoulders quivering.

"I want my Serah back. But you're right. She might not want to come back. To Snow. Or to me. If she doesn't…I promise…I will do my best not to be nasty to you anymore."

"You'll let me be Serah for you?"

The waves crashing against the shoreline thundered in his ears as she stared at him, her lips trembling, her eyes wide.

"I'll never forget her. And I'll never be able to look at you and not see…_her._ But if she won't come back…I still can't let you _be_ Serah for me. No one can be Serah for me but Serah. _My _Serah. I can try to not be an ass." He almost…_almost_ smiled at her and fear spiked through him. Serah-not-Serah smiled and touched his arm.

"It's enough, Noel. It's enough."

His brows arched, unable to help thinking that if _his_ Serah had looked at him that way just once she would have completely unmanned him. Serah-not-Serah released him, her fingertips trailing across the length of his arm before falling to her side.

"You'll understand, won't you, if I hope she doesn't come back with you?" She clasped her hands behind her back and dug one toe in the sand, looking up at him shyly. For the second time he couldn't breathe. He had accepted her and _now_ she acted so completely like _his_ Serah she incapacitated him. He suspected it might have been deliberate.

"I wouldn't expect anything else. How do I find the souls?"

"Go to Lightning, Noel."

"I don't think she can tell me anything."

Was he actually _joking_ with Serah-not-Serah? His acceptance of her had been a bad idea. He had a sudden fear that he would abandon his quest for Serah mid-way, subconsciously accustomed to the idea that her replacement wasn't so bad after all.

"Lightning herself can't tell you anything. But someone else might. Go, Noel. Try to restore your Serah's soul." She smiled disarmingly at him and Noel inhaled sharply. He turned his back on her and took a deep breath before jogging toward the center of Valhalla. She was going to come back with him. She had to. If she didn't…he would lose himself in the Serah-not-Serahs who would endlessly follow her. Or descend into the same madness as Caius. Either way he would hate himself. Forever.


End file.
